The Voices

Anxiety and self-doubt tell me I can never be worthy of others’ kindness, but God’s loving voice refuses to be drowned out.

“You had big shoes to fill and you did a wonderful job.”

I stopped listening to everything else my coworker said to me as I let these words sink in. My pacing paused in the middle of my cubicle-like study crammed within my 600 square foot condo. This statement of praise finally subdued my anxiety that has been building over the past six months in this new role at work. I constantly felt unsure of myself and whether I was doing a good job. Yet, with a single sentence, my heart was full and I felt worthy again. 

However, feelings of anxiety and fear of being unworthy still glowed red inside my stomach, distracting me from these words. My confidence wavered as I looked over and started to feel self-doubt once again. God’s voice feels far during these moments—like a faint whisper muffled by a blanket.

The next day, as I was making unnecessary tune-ups to a powerpoint, my phone lit up. I was surprised to see that an UberEats delivery was being sent to my home from my work colleagues. “I don’t deserve this,” was the immediate thought that came into my head. My mind scrambled to find excuses for their actions: they do this for everyone’s birthday. They don’t want me to feel bad. Any excuse to reconcile the fact that I didn’t feel deserving, yet I received this gift. 

This inner dialogue makes up most of my anxiety. It prevents me from being vulnerable. The voices in my head constantly tell me that I am not enough, contesting with any external voices that tell me I am. No matter how many times I hear from others that my actions, attitude, or intelligence makes me enough, I never am truly satisfied or comforted. I’m attached to an IV drip of self-assurance, needing another dose as soon as I get the first one. It feels like I’m constantly scrambling to find a piece, a scrap, something that tells me that I’m not as bad as I know myself to be. 

After the arrival of the gift from my colleagues, I sit with a bright pink box of freshly glazed donuts, staring down at the multitude of colours and flavors. A voice immediately sounds in my mind, questioning me whether I am indeed worthy of these gifts. Not just donuts, but all gifts, including friendship, work, life, and especially salvation. Yet I still receive them—one way or another. The negative voices take turns reverberating in my head as my eyes bounce over the different glazes and pause over an original brown sugar donut. My mind lingers on a voice that whispers, but God shows his love for us, because while we were still sinners Christ died for us. 

As soon as I hear it, the voice is stifled with the blanket of self-doubt as the others vie for attention. Yet that brief gentle voice makes me want to desperately hang on to its truth. The reminder that my worthiness is not tied to my own works: of how well or poorly I make my powerpoint slides, the meetings I chair, or what people are saying in terms of how I rank in their eyes. I recognize this voice to be from God, and He tells me that I don’t have to ‘try’ or ‘earn’ my rank in His Kingdom, but that because of Jesus’ death I have that place secured.

My eyes continue their path in the brightly coloured box and get distracted by a pink dusted donut with red sprinkles. I often get distracted from the truth of who I am, as it’s constant work to translate it into my heart. I’m distracted by the voices that tell me I will only be enough if I do well, offering the flashy colours of praise and prestige—drawing my attention away from the voice of God. My self-esteem suffers and I struggle to not let anxiety and fear tear apart my confidence and worthiness. It is a constant battle, but I take comfort in that quiet voice again, which says that whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and He knows everything. God is indeed greater than my heart, greater than the lies that Satan tries to distract me with about my own worthiness. That is because my worthiness is rooted in truth, rooted in love, and rooted in grace. 

I try to fill my mind with voices of truth that point me towards God and what He says about me. To remove that muffling blanket of self-doubt, I meet with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I share my struggles and they remind me that it is not my work, actions, or anything I can do that makes me worthy. They help to amplify God’s voice that tells me I am enough because of Christ. Slowly, I turn the radio dial a little bit to be able to hear that gentle whisper more clearly—fine tuning it every time I read God’s Word and spend time listening. By hearing God’s voice, I am able to take the words of kindness and gifts from my colleagues without doubting their validity or truth. When I am able to better understand what I am truly worth, their voices only echo God’s greater truth. 

I carefully pick up a warm brown-sugared donut out of the box and pop it into my mouth. It touches my tongue, and all I taste is sweetness.

Text: Kan Cheung

Art: Alisha Simpson