The Mystery and the Magic: Engaging in Difficult Conversations Part II

(This is Part II of a series on difficult conversations. Click here for Part I.)

Now that we’ve endeavoured to see ourselves and others more clearly as saints, sufferers and sinners, this can be our basis for thoughtfully considering the other’s needs amidst the fallout of our conflicts. The goal is to find a way to honour the needs of both ourselves and others. However, both secular and Christian worldviews provide incomplete advice, at times.

Society seems to shout “YOU DO YOU!” from every rooftop. We emphasize self-expression and vulnerability above all else, while allowing self-discipline and endurance to fall to the wayside. When we value emotional honesty above all, without accountability to God and a concern for the welfare of others, the result is solely an exhibition of our own wants. We are driven by a false courage, and feel entitled to the affirmation of others. We experience momentary personal comfort but also long-term relational fractures.

Likewise, as Christians, our experiences with conflict are sometimes littered with well-intended but often misapplied instruction. We are taught to forgive almost immediately and turn the other cheek. Sure, there is something seemingly subversive about this approach. After all, nothing is more striking to a hardened heart than revenge withheld and, instead, grace poured out. However, our outward mercy is severely truncated if we still feel unacknowledged and deeply hurt. To be like Christ, and to be truly subversive, we must be genuinely convicted to seek after the good of the other person. Only then will our love be sacrificial, and our grace indomitable.

So, what is this conviction to seek after the good of the other person? Dan Allender, Christian counsellor and author, points out that most of us spend our lives warring against reality – we demand that this life be like heaven, our ultimate home. He warns that to the degree that we strive to achieve something permanent for ourselves here, we will fail. However, to the degree that we see our lives as a temporary pilgrimage toward our ultimate home, we will be profoundly freed to use our lives to advance God’s kingdom. The Apostle Paul reflects on this truth in Philippians 1:21-24, “to live is Christ and to die is gain […] I desire to be with Christ […] but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.” Paul knew that this life offered little compared to the next life, and yet he persisted in his work on earth. Hidden in this little offered here, is the much that God calls us to – the joy unending of witnessing Christ formed in others. Paul seems to suggest that this is the greatest gift life has to offer, and I believe it.

Armed with a goal of seeing Christ formed in others, we can now consider what might be helpful to bring up in conversation. At the heart of this, is the notion of assertiveness and retaining a sense of self apart from the other person. We often picture assertive people as table-pounding, salary-negotiating, deal-making characters. The truth is that assertiveness is a nuanced dance between honouring our own needs and taking to heart the needs of the other. This is no small feat. Most of us go through life either giving in to the demands of other people, or pushing others away in an effort to assert our own desires. If we examine these two extremes, it becomes clear that both demonstrate a lack of self and a lack of freedom.

In the case of either pushing down our own needs, or pushing away the needs of another, we gradually erode our boundaries and lose our sense of self. Any potential rupture in the relationship becomes a threat to our own identity. When we are truly secure in our sense of self, we are able to have differing feelings and opinions from another, while continuing to remain emotionally connected to them. This is called differentiation. To have a strong, differentiated sense of self is the only way we can truly love others without needing their approval, fearing their wrath, or being overwhelmed by their sadness. To be assertive is thus the ability to have a differentiated sense of self apart from others.

It comes down to this – differentiation is a necessary condition of love. If we are loving but undifferentiated, we may be simply seeking approval. If we are differentiated but unloving, we may only be looking out for our own interests. With each point that we consider bringing up in a difficult conversation, it is important that we ask ourselves, “Am I expressing these opinions and criticisms just for me, or also out of love for the other person?” Ideally, we would whittle down our long list of complaints to just those that serve both of our interests. We can be encouraged that the result of this approach is often greater flourishing within the relationship. Funnily enough, the mystery and the magic of difficult conversations is that what is truly loving for the other person is generally also a reasonable request which meets our own needs. Certainly, sometimes pinning down the exact issue requires us to go beyond the superficial actions of each person and unpuzzle deeper motivations (see Part I). Ultimately, the thorny negotiation of needs for which we’ve braced ourselves is actually not a negotiation at all. It is the work of pursuing the other with compassion and love. In so doing, we connect at a deeper level, and recommit ourselves to the goal of seeing Christ formed in each other.

Text: Aiwen Xu