Re-Discovering Relational Wisdom in The Great Dechurching
Jenny was in my life for about a minute. The exact details are foggy now, as we met just after COVID restrictions had mercifully lifted, at a time when our city was collectively trying to figure out a way forward. I’d greeted her at our church and felt an instant and long-forgotten spark of encountering a kindred spirit.
But proverbial sparks being uncertain things, for whatever reason this one faded much sooner than I’d hoped, leaving me to question the level of effort and commitment I’d put into our budding friendship. Reading The Great Dechurching this past year compelled me to reflect again on what could have gone wrong, and what her experiences were really like with our church, community and, most importantly, with Jesus.
Jenny was bright and curious, routinely asking questions after service. She’d grown up in a Christian home back in Korea, but had been hurt by church and wary of committing to Jesus—how could she know that He was good, when she’d been deeply hurt by the people who were part of His body? Not one gifted at answering questions on the spot, I attempted to engage in active listening and encourage her interest in Christianity after her bad experiences in the past. But what happened next remains completely bewildering.
After a lengthy trip back home, she returned to our church. However, she seemed to have replaced the easy and warm banter we had previously found in our interactions with a reticence to share any updates about herself. Eventually, she divulged over dinner that she’d had a serious health scare that forced her to reckon with her faith in Christ. She decided to break up with her non-Christian boyfriend, get baptized, and become a member of our church. After, knees knocking, she stood next to the baptismal font, bravely reading her heartfelt testimony of faith.
But something didn’t feel right, though I dismissed my doubts. I assumed that the subconscious cues my brain and soul were picking up on were emotional distress signals due to her getting used to life after her medical treatment.
Though Jenny embraced church life during her period of deep soul-searching, within six weeks of her baptism she went back to her boyfriend and stopped coming to our church, or even corresponding with us whatsoever—save to reply to one loyal and kind-hearted widow’s occasional check-in texts.
Since we’d emailed back and forth frequently over this time, I still wonder if I said something wrong for her to make the decision to leave our church. Maybe she’d just continued to feel like a misunderstood outsider. Or, perhaps responses to her thoughtful questions had been too “Christianese,” incorporating alarming talk about spiritual warfare, or too many mentions of prayer—prayer requests, prayer exhortations, prayers of thanksgiving, praying when prompted by the Spirit. Did she feel that the concrete concerns in her life were being neglected? With so many people leaving church in an era now dubbed “The Great Dechurching,” reading the book of that title has better equipped me to have a conversation that could be more supportive to Jenny, and help someone in her position to feel truly heard.
Who are the dechurched in our society, and what are their reasons for leaving? The authors of The Great Dechurching set out acquiring data to better understand the phenomenon of rapid dechurching in America. (Though focused on the United States, the book’s data and insights are highly relevant for Canadian churchgoers.) The authors identify the dechurched as those who used to go to church once a month but now only attend once a year, and divide dechurched people into five specific demographic groups comprised of Cultural Christians, Dechurched Mainstream Evangelicals, Exvangelicals, Dechurched BIPOC, and Dechurched Mainline Protestants and Catholics. Importantly, all of the major reasons given for their departure were relational, so the authors suggest that with a bit of creative care and intention some of these people might consider returning.
Many polled from across the groups had experienced genuine pain and enduring struggles from church hurt—hypocrisy among church members, disagreement over sexual ethics, political division, invisible suffering, racism, and bigotry. Other reasons for dechurching had to do with perspective shifts, such as viewing Jesus with nostalgia rather than as a Saviour, doubting that the church contained real answers to the world’s problems, or developing an apathy towards God motivated by complacency and lack of urgency. Finally, there were those who simply fell out of the habit of church-going due to a new baby, or long or irregular working hours.
These categories of responses made me wonder: Did any of these people have others reach out to them, even with a simple caring email or text? Did anyone sit and have a conversation that encouraged someone to have a fresh encounter with God? Or help out the caregiver/night shift worker with a meal or childcare? And for myself, would circumstances have turned out differently if I had been more intentional with Jenny, or reached out when I sensed something amiss?
What I’ve come to realize after exploring the decline of church attendance in The Great Dechurching is that everyone has their own reasons for leaving church these days, but for some, they just didn’t feel part of a deeply-rooted and loving community. Some people need to be shown the love of Christ in simple ways, such as an invitation to go out for a meal, to attend a service together, or to dedicate an hour after church to grab a coffee and chat about life and the sermon. Others will require more prayer, patience, and willingness to build relationships founded on true charity and concern, rather than transactional relationships that focus on results. Ensuring we have a good awareness of God, self, and others, and remembering that we’re talking to people with eternal souls will help us to prioritize caring for them.
The Great Dechurching also makes space for people who have been deeply hurt by spiritual abuse. Those whose reasons for leaving church were cultural and social “may just be asking what they can get out of their church rather than, counter-intuitively, receiving many blessings when making provisions for the church.” Engaging with those who have been hurt must be different. There is no place for abuse of any kind—the authors make this point simply and emphatically, in a way that deeply resonates within me. The church was designed by God to reveal His power, character, and love, not to elevate human leaders who mishandle their responsibility, respond with intimidation and a distinct lack of empathy, who forget about Jesus and His examples of love, who resist attempts at reform. In these instances, Christian readers can acknowledge that we might have become a church casualty too in the same situation, and that there is a greater degree of care needed. We might provide community outside of church, develop a “calm, quiet curiosity” regarding their wellbeing, accompany someone to church when the time feels right, and, particularly, help secure mental health support. Being in community with messy people can always be hurtful, even without leaders who abuse their authority, and people begin to feel that loneliness is a better friend than the risk of experiencing anxiety, depression, mistrust, and suicidal thoughts.
The Great Dechurching is a worthy read because the authors are sensitive to the myriad reasons why people make decisions to leave church, but also gently nudge the reader to remember that a healthy, spirit-filled church, made of people who seek to follow the Lord and make each other whole, is infinitely worth loving. On Sundays, we come together from different walks of life—in the best churches, a heterogenous, ragtag group of people —who, in some mysterious way, experience or give a blessing through word, deed, worship, sermon, fellowship, a spark of insight, or communion. These blessings build us up in our faith and in relational wisdom, helping us learn how to treat others in a community like no other. We get to take time from the madness of the world and its conflicting messages and idol factories to worship the One who re-centers us and shows us how to truly love, and for a little while, we are given glimpses of the world we deeply long for. And how beautiful those moments are.
In an unexpected coda, as I was finishing this piece, Jenny reached out via e-mail to check in and ask about meeting up for coffee. I am praying for wisdom and curiosity in our conversations, to best communicate to her that she is loved and that there is a place for her in our church community.
James Davis and Michael S. Graham,The Great Dechurching (Zondervan, 2023).
Text: Tammy Storey
Photography: Jeff Sheldon (Unsplash)